Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
