i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
