Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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