I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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