Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
