Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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