R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
People in love make me want to vomit
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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