the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
