Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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