We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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