i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
