Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
