he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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