I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
