sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
