the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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