I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
