The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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