On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
