i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The feeling are messing with the penis
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
