I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My balls are so social today.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
sex in a hospital.. check
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
