Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
