We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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