At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
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