last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Is Oprah even human
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
