So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
