Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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