If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
