This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
