Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
3 2 1 whiskey
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
