i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
