News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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