the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
