I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
