Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
