Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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