I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need moral support for this bender
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
