Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
