I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
