Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I fill condoms, not promises.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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