I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
