Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
