I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
