I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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