If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
