Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
