she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
