My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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