i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
