wanna go halves on a baby?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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