i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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