if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
