I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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