oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
