Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
