two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
